Feeling Useless and Healing
Some of you may know, I had a small accident on the stairs of my deck a few weeks ago. Some people tear a rotator cuff, some pull muscles, and some break bones when they fall… but not me. I found a way to break the ball of my right (dominate) shoulder while tearing my rotator cuff and my tricep tendon. My momma always said that if you are going to do something, do it right. The good thing is that I’m going to be fine in time but in the meantime, my whole world just got turned upside-down. If you know me, then you know how independent I am and about my overdeveloped sense of responsibility and work ethic. Now imagine how being dependent on everyone else around me for the simplest tasks is sitting with my soul… Yep, I need some Jesus!
As I progress down this road to healing my body, I am also working on letting go and letting God lead me down the road towards my spiritual healing and growth. Both roads are difficult and both roads are painful at times, but the results will be worth every tear. God has already begun using the body of Christ around me to help alleviate some of my fears and help me fight the gnawing depression that can creep in when experiencing constant pain. That depression can make you feel useless, broken, angry, alone, and even like a failure or disappointment. But God has better plans. During the day, He sends a Sister-in-Christ to share with me about her previous shoulder injury and we discuss the difficulty and the hilarity of trying to shower with only a non-dominate arm. If you don’t believe me, try it sometime! At night, when I can’t sleep, which is most of the time, since I’m only sleeping in two hour “naps”, we talk. Well, I talk, and He listens, and I cry, and He comforts, and then I rest.
I am learning to experience old things in new ways and not all of them are fun. Even typing is a new experience. I learned to type with both hands, like most of us. When I tried to sit down and type with only my left hand for the 1st time, I swear my left hand looked at me and said, “you want me to do what?” My brain and my left hand reverted back to the old “hunt and peck” method. And don’t even get me started on texting or eating! These are funny now, but it feels like my world is falling apart, keystroke by keystroke and empty fork by empty fork. I was reminded that it is all perspective. I realized that I needed to change my perspective. You see, when I allowed Satan to take me down the path of depression, fear, and feeling useless, I allowed him to change my perspective. I moved away from everyone, including God. My mind was so full of the negative emotions. The physical pain has been so intense that I couldn’t even focus on the written words in my Bible. My “distance” from God changed my perspective. But God doesn’t give up on us. A very wise person reminded me that I am always listening to Audible books, and why not try and listen to the scriptures for a day or two and see if that helps. Did it help, you might ask? Well, my perspective is changing. I still have bouts of negative thoughts, particularly when the pain medication takes forever to help, but I now realize that it is just a part of my human response and my perspective. Funny how that “wise person” knew that I was having problems with the written word.
If you don’t mind, I will share with you, from time to time, some of the lessons that I am continuing to learn and how God is using this recovery of my broken body and conflicted mind to bring me closer to the person that He wants me to be. Maybe something that I learn can be a blessing to you and bring you closer to the person He wants you to be.
Blessings! Renee Grant
